Heh, Cats

It's cool to have a "thing" so that when people ask you what you've been doing lately/why you look so tired and disheveled/how you fill the endless void of time that stretches out before you, you can be like, "Yeah, I've just been really busy volunteering/having kids/training for a marathon."

I have spent many hours pondering what my thing could be. Not volunteering because I don't like committing to a plan more than an hour in advance. Not having kids because I live in a studio apartment and what are boys? Not training for a marathon because gross.

So...it's cats! Just like everyone else on the Internet, only I don't even own one! Reasons I came to this conclusion:

Exhibit A: Yeah, sure, I enjoy a good cat picture. But so does everyone.

Exhibit B: And this? This is just hilarious. No one WOULDN'T enjoy/identify with I Love Cats magazine.

Exhibit C: Fine, whatever, I own ONE cat dress and one cat tank top and I would buy this for my collection in a heartbeat? So?

Exhibit D: A gentle warning from a friend, that's all. let's just keep moving along. It's a JOKE GUYS.

Exhibit E: "Saw this, thought of you." Oh. :(

All of this is not to say I don't want an almost continue flood of cat posts on my Facebook wall, because I do. Keep them coming. Have a great Tuesday.

List Blogging Continued

The worst thing is finding a note on your phone called “25 before 26” a month before your birthday. In typical fashion I got to number 6. And it’s still not a good situation. 

1. Learn how to play the accordion. Yeah, no. What. Why. I'm quirky.

2. Stop making the same stupid tilted-head face in every picture. This one actually worked out well for me because instead of trying to make cute-but-not-really faces I just embraced ugly faces and now these pictures are on the internet:

3. Get a tattoo (sorry dad). Did not, will not, can’t even commit to what I'm going to do after work. You're welcome, dad.

4. Rent a car. That sounds fun, self! After that we can write a check and go to the post office! 

5. See The Antlers. I was real close to purchasing that ticket to New York. 

6. Learn how to make curry. Feasibly I COULD do this in the next month. I could. 

In conclusion, the theme for the rest of my life is, "Goals: Why Bother?" 

Also, "Fashion Buns: PLEASE STOP THAT IS SO UNFLATTERING"

Things About Me That You Totally Want to Know

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I feel like blogging, so I’m going to start the yearly blog post off right with something self-indulgent in a list format. 

First, I like to look at posts where people meticulously go over their possessions. Tell me where you got that rug! Let know know what's in your bag, PLEASE!  Really, I do like them. So much that sometimes I think about doing my own. there is a major discrepancy, however, when I actually sit down to write them.

What I thought would be in my purse as an almost 26-year-old woman:

• Keys to my condo/loft in the city where I live with my thriving plant collection and a cat.

• Moleskin notebooks where I write down my thoughts and musings. A separate one for grocery lists!

• Fancy headphones neatly stowed away in a pouch.

• Lots of cash because I’m successful and RICH!!!! So rich!

What is really in my purse:

1. A ripped dollar bill that keeps tricking me but I won't throw away because is that illegal? 
2. Dessert gum because I read on a blog that it tooootally satiates sugar craving and tastes just like real dessert and if you chew it you will be so skinny and bikini ready! It tastes like plastic sprinkled with lemon flavoring and even that only lasts like three seconds.
3. Subway cards. So many Subway cards. I don't remember ever going to Subway.
4. Enough red lipstick to supply every single Marilyn Monroe impersonator should the lipstick industry ever go under.
5. A ticket to Monster Jam.
6. A fishing game, sans one fish because someone got a little rowdy last night after the Toro Y Moi show.

At least my Photoshop skills have never been better! Don't look too closely! 

For the fans

Ughhhhhh everyone has been asking me to update the ol' blog almost constantly, so here you go. YOU VULTURES.




(sent March 27, stop hounding me PLEASE)

What do you want? Pictures of people driving? Fine. I have those.




Weird pictures of unhealthy food on my lap? You guys, just chill out, I have plenty to go around.




(clockwise from left: McDonald's, burritos, wings, French pastries)
Yeah, I know, where's the pizza? I'm saving that post so, seriously, calm down.

Every cat picture I have on my phone? I'm sorry, I don't have ten hours to scroll through them all but fiiiiiiiine here's a taste.



(the middle one might not be a cat.)

So there you go, my heart and soul poured out on the pages of this blog. Love you guys.

On Repeat

I need someone else to look into my eyes and tell me girl you know you gotta watch your health.

Secrets

I feel so much fake internet pressure to write a blog post in 2012. The first one, I would whisper to myself in the glow of the computer screen, has to dazzle them.

After sifting through topics in my mind (Cats? Probably need to take it easy with cat-related Internet sharing. Food? But which picture of Taco Bell feasts I've enjoyed would I choose. Clothes? Nobody cares about your sequin shirt collection) I guess I'll just settle for sharing my secrets. People like that right? Really personal and uncomfortably awkward confessions to anonymous people across the Internet?

Okay so first, I watch New Girl like every week. I'm working on my Zooey look.

Nailed it.

Next, I am kind of into online poker.

See the discarded takeout boxes? See the pile of tissues? See the dim lighting to set the mood? That is what five hours of online poker with fake money looks like.

This feels good. So I'm going to end this post with a big one-- I am the inventor of the Butter Straw. It seriously sucks when you get popcorn at the movie theater and you only get 2-3 inches of solid butter congealed on top, right? Just stick a straw in there and pour to your hearts content.

Special thanks to Erica for hand modeling/inspiring this creation.

 Special bonus photo of a food item I saw on a shelf and took a picture of:

Just some Instagrams, NBD

So… you want a story? Sorry, I am seriously out of stories because rather than face my life I watch 90s teen dramas for hours at a time. Every night.

In attempt to kick start the writing part of my mind, though, I began brainstorming blog posts. This means copying other blog posts I’ve seen. What is more highly copied than the the instagram weekend post? NOTHING. I’ve taken some liberties here, i.e. this is isn’t actually an adorable collection from this weekend. It’s more like the past nine months and it’s not as endearing at all.

What what! Put your hands in the air, it’s about to get 2 cute 2 handle in here!

This is a heart made out of Chinese food. Professional bloggers, step aside.

I went to a concert and the whole time I took pictures of the lights. I'm really into music lately.

And then there was the time I birthed a baby deer at Bear World.

Even homeless people look better when you instagram them! (Please note: S.S. Hobo) 

I don't even know who this cat belongs to! I found it in the hallway and trapped it in my house for awhile, don't mind the frightened look on it's face.

Grilled cheese with macaroni and cheese inside. I look at this when I eat pizza to feel healthy.

California Dreamin'

 California was beautiful. I miss it all the time. The weather, the ocean, the colors...the Panera Bread.

My parents helped me try to find/marry Ryan Gosling and fed me and let me visit every H&M. I highly recommend vacations with you parents.

let's bond over mutual hatred

Do you have a Pinterest? Do you hate how every single person captions their pictures as a personal question? Then I have the blog for you:


http://unsolicitedpinterestadvice.tumblr.com/

Nobody judge me for being an internet bully. Or for making like 100 new Tumblrs a day. If someone ever heavily Google searched me they would find a blog devoted to a cat picture, a blog making fun of a fashion blogger, a blog about music circa 2006 and a married blog by Deven and I. Follow through is not my strong suit.

So Sentimental

So this should really come as no surprise, but I got a goldfish. I can never stay away. It was won for me at a carnival last night and it has really caused me to re-evaluate how quickly I get attached to things.


Captain’s Log:

8/18/11

10:30 p.m.

Internal dialogue: That game where you throw ping pong balls in a jar looks fun. Oh, the prize is goldfish you say? Well, you know my weakness man without teeth.

10:31 p.m.

Me: The fish is mine!!!!!! All mine!!!!

Carnival worker: Would you like to buy a fish tank and food for $7?

Internal dialogue: What am I doing. Fish need a place to live. Fish need food. Fish need a weird amount of oxygen in their tank. Fish are needy. Abandon ship.

Me: I think…I…Have one at home.

Internal dialogue: LIAR.

10:40 p.m.

Internal dialogue: I’m just going to flush this fish when I get home.

11:50 p.m.

Internal dialogue: What was I thinking?? I love this fish! He is like a child to me! What if he dies? I’ll never love again. This fish is symbolic, this fish MEANS something to me.

8/19/11

The fish is currently residing in a plastic pitcher on my counter next to a fresh bottle of fish food purchased in the early hours of the morning.

WHYYYYYYYYYY.

Getting Stabby

For work I wrote a blog about Kim Kardashian and linked it to our Facebook. The following is why I hate the internet:

Express your opinion, girlfriend, all I ask is that you please PLEASE stop with the unnecessary quotation marks.

Still, how can I hate something that brings me all of these treasures:

Parks and Recreation. Thanks to Netflix I will watch you every day until I die.

Trend Alert

Hey, have you guys seen the latest trend?





Cell phone hands!! Okay. They’re not a thing yet and I actually found these photos on a fashion blog that called them a “don’t” but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I get my hands on one (because then jokes like that never have to stop! Ever!)

Put a ring on it!

When are these hitting the Apple store? Because I'm single and I could really use a fake hand to hold.

How I Spent my Summer Vacation

Business Time

While browsing LinkedIn today, I noticed everyone has really professional portraits on their profiles. Always behind on the trends of the business world, I still have a little gray figure as my icon and clearly this makes me look really unprofessional.  

The real question I have is how do you go about getting a photo like this of yourself?

 Do you go to a studio and explain that you need some professional looking pictures? Is it required that you wear a pantsuit? Because I don't own one of those. The best I can do is a pencil skirt and a blazer that I got at a thrift store thinking I would totally wear it and I never did. Also, is it better to stare into the camera, challenging potential employers to find someone better than you at business things or to smile softly, letting your eyes convey that you're a team player? Because I've seen both and they are equally as powerful. 

For poses, I was thinking of either having a newspaper tucked under my arm to convey that I graduated in journalism or holding up a keyboard next to my face to show that I understand new media. What do you think?

Bacon+Bears

I'm really breaking months of blog silence to post a picture that was made possible by this site  and this site.

Pie Hole

 I feel like a copycat with the photo/song format, but this is all that's rattling around in my head. Pizza and Cults. 

 

Oh, and also I got excited when I saw a kitten in the clouds this morning while driving to work.

Yeah, enjoy

If anyone were to track the things I Google on a daily basis…it would not be much weirder than anyone else's Google searches. Right?

A sampling of today's inquiries:

Bowl cuts for women

The history of Swiss watches

What are those things called that you use to hang glasses around your neck?

Pederast

Words ending in "doux"

Olivia Palermo 

Shiba Inu puppy cam

Island made of an upside down rock pictures 

 And so concludes the most worthless thing I have ever spent ten minutes on. That's a lie.